I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about knees, and while I know a little bit more than I did before, I am rapidly learning that this journey is going to be about letting go. It has become very apparent to me that I have absolutely no control here, and I may as well relax and enjoy the ride! I do have a surgery date: February 27, but even that is not certain. If there is a cancellation between now and then, it may move up. My job is to do everything I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do it and be ready for whatever happens...that is actually not a very hard thing to do so long as I remember that I am not the one calling the shots! Lisa at Dr. Van Horn's office is now running my life!
Today is very weird for me. Dr. Van Horn believes the best time to find out what pain meds work for a patient is before the surgery, not after. To do this, he conducts what he calls "medication trials" in which different strengths of different powerful narcotics are taken by the patient before surgery to evaluate side effects and effectiveness. I agree with the idea in principle, but today is day one of the trials for me, and to spend a "normal" day under the influence of powerful narcotics is very odd. I am thankful that I never used drugs and I don't feel threatened in that respect, but it does feel odd to be drifting along inside myself!!
Other thoughts on this day: I am down to 211 pounds. The last time I weighed this was around 7 years ago. It is my goal to weigh under 200 by the end of February because every pound I lose between now and the surgery will be a pound that is not working against me when I begin rehab. If I am seeking something to control in this time of change and challenge, I can control what goes into my mouth and what I am doing about physical conditioning...that is about all I can, or need, to handle!!
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